Nights

Recently discovered that although time has made it a little easier to deal with Felix's death, nights are incredibly hard.

Just now, Scrambles was sitting curled up on my lap, with his tail wrapped around his nose - something which was most often than not something his brother would do, not him.

Every time I've come home, Scrambles has been sat waiting for me and greeting me very loud and whinefully (definitely should be a word). He does this extremely cutesy thing where he'll stand on a desk/bed and stretch his paw out onto me/around me, he used to do it every so often, now it's every time I come back. Reminds me of Felix enormously, and it's a little difficult, twinged with sadness, but makes me very happy at the same time.

I visited Felix's grave for the first time since I buried him, last weekend. Extremely hard to face, but slowly making it seem real. I just keep wanting to get home to him, even a thought that makes me sick with sorrow some times.

Unfortunately, I occasionally suffer from panic attacks thanks to death being on my mind so much recently. These used to only happen at night, but since Felix died they've been getting a little more frequent and happening during the day; an extra unpleasant side-effect to a truly horrific period in my life.

But it's finally starting to sink in. My cat is gone, I feel like I'll always miss him, and it seems obscene that I'll never get to see him again, but I have to accept that hideous fact.

Still thinking of him, and still trying to keep a smile on my face.